Three Burnouts Later, I Realized What My Issue Was
It’s not about my jobs, my employers, or any of the outer circumstances
After three burnouts in my ten years of career life, I finally have an explanation for it.
No, it has nothing to do with the outer circumstances. If it were, the problem should have been solved now with me changing jobs, moving to a different country, and trying out different industries.
I had a big moment of clarity after watching the interview of Marie Forleo with Martha Beck, in which they talked about self-integrity. Turns out that those pain, restlessness and heartburns are my body telling me that I’m not living in alignment with my true self.
For the longest time, I was lashing out blame towards the environment, people, and situations. But now I know that the pain and bitterness built up in me are reminders coming from my wise biological body. The voice had to get louder and louder because I ignored it for as long as I could.
If you’re going through burnout and pain, I hope this insight helps you find a little clarity.
Pain is not an enemy. Don’t shoot the messenger
I thought I had pain that is incurable. Whenever I felt ambitious and motivated to do something, the pain came and knocked me out. That sucked big time. I felt trapped because there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t control my body.
I began questioning why the pain was there in the first place. It was clearly a burnout symptom. So it was easy to blame everyone and everything at work and in life — but myself.
Burned-out. That means I have to do less, right? I worked too much and the work was eating me up. Do less, rest more, and don’t think about things.
I tried everything that I could. I sought treatment and started taking hormonal pills and pain killers. I quit my job and overhauled everything in my life. I did nothing for a while, then flew to a foreign country and started everything from scratch.
Gladly, the pain gradually got in control, although in a matter of years. I have learned that it is called endometriosis. It came back from time to time when triggered by stress. At the time of writing, my gynaecologist told me that she could not identify any sign of it anymore, and it could just be a normal stress symptom.
What I learned from this is that my inner being is holding me accountable for self-integrity. The pain always comes after days of migraine, which I tend to ignore by popping in another Aspirin. It just had to get its message across to me that I am sabotaging myself. And so, the logic was: when in pain, stop everything I do, rest and pivot.
If it was that straightforward, why am I still feeling unsatisfied with my life?
I found myself escaping from one place to the other. It was always the wrong place to be. Rage and bitterness were growing louder within me. I was scared to become a cynical person who complains about everything. What’s wrong with me? Gotta get outta here.
Turned out that I was living a life of “so-that”
My ambitious 17-year-old self back in 2008 was inspired to learn software engineering because of the Microsoft Vision 2020 video.
I remembered writing a comment under one of those videos that went like “Wow! I wanted to be one of those people who will make the world look like this in the future. What should I study for uni?” Got a reply that said something in the line of computer science or software engineering. I just took that advice and ran with it.
And that started a series of “so-that”s in my life trajectory.
I enrolled in software engineering undergraduate degree so that I can learn to make things with code.
After graduation, I got a job as a software engineer so that I can code like the experts.
I flew from Malaysia to Germany to study for a Master’s degree in AI and machine learning to make magic with coding.
After graduation, I worked as a data scientist so that I can have some industrial experience working on different kinds of projects.
I became a freelancer so that I can be easier on my lifestyle and stop the damn pain.
Now, I work as a data scientist/PhD candidate thinking I can finally contribute to solving some meaningful problems with the skills that I have.
And I’m so disappointed to find myself being in the wrong place, again.
Did I just spend 14 years of my life adapting to every single requirement SO THAT I can feel good enough to “be one of those people who will make the world look like magic in the future”?
No wonder I always find myself in the wrong place. No wonder I’m burned out and in pain. No wonder I feel dead inside thinking about “careers”.
I was trying to cookie-cut myself to success.
Perhaps we need to come home to ourselves
If I would go back in time, I’d tell my confused younger self: You’ve got to know yourself really well. There are a lot of goals and statements in the world. While you can go for any of that, be discerning. Choose the ones that align the best with you as a real person. Not imaginatively.
Certain statements can be loud and soul-crushing. “I am not good enough to code”, “Claire, some things need talent, and you don’t have that”, “I have to get a job for the visa”, “How long will it take you to pay my money back after graduation?”, “Stay in your mediocre life or there’s more pain for you”.
At the moment of writing this, I cannot say that I’ve completely gotten rid of negative thoughts in my head. But I try to catch them every time and come home to myself.
That ambitious teen in 2008 just wanted to invent things and make magic.
It actually doesn’t take much to create ONE project.
I can start now to make just one thing.
I don’t have to have a title next to my name to prove that I’m good enough.
No talent is required.
Not asking for permission.
No more mold to fit in.
No more labelling.
I don’t have to do less of what I’m doing right now. I have to do more of what aligns me with myself.
And for that, I owe myself a lot of doing.
On my way.
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